When a young adult decides to go off to university, the focus appears to be on choosing a subject or two that they will study in meticulous detail for three years or more until they attain an Honour’s degree and may be deemed somewhat of an authority on the matter. Underneath this façade, however there seems to be something deeper afoot. The college years can be magical for many reasons but particularly because they are an intense opportunity to explore one’s identity, beliefs and gain a degree in individuation.
In Erickson’s classic psychosocial stages of development, adolescence is described as a time of resolving the crisis between identity versus role confusion. ‘Emerging adulthood’ (ages 18 to 25) is another psychosocial stage that was added by Arnett for the age group who are too old to be adolescents, but not yet fully-fledged adults. Going to university is a transition time that falls precisely between these two stages described above, so both crises are relevant here.
The years of emerging adulthood are the start of a lifelong journey of self-discovery defined by the process of differentiation from one’s family and upbringing. It is a special time of exploration, self-expression, defining your worldview and identity fulfilment, however it is also a time of instability and for religious Jewish teens there is also the need to integrate one’s Judaism into the mix.
I recently worked with a sixteen year old religious girl who was struggling with certain issues. In our first session I was curious to get to know her so I asked her what she would like to tell me about herself. She struggled to tell me any personal details. Of course, she was probably nervous coming to see a therapist for the first time. I tried to make it easier for her by asking her if she wanted to talk about any hobbies, friends, academic interests, books or music she liked, or how she would describe herself. To all of these suggestions she seemed to shrug or look at me blankly as if I had asked her whether she had ever visited Mars. She was able to share what her family do together and talk about her siblings, nieces and nephews, however she seemed to have very little sense of her own individual identity. Surprisingly, she is not atypical of her age group. Many teens have not yet developed their own sense of self but only view themselves as part of the family unit. Perhaps these youths are not allowed to develop their own voice until they leave home because their home is too rigid. Alternatively, it may be that schools are not encouraging these students to think and develop their own ideas. Either way, university, (or indeed yeshiva or seminary) is an amazing gift of time for finding out who you are, developing a unique voice and differentiating from one’s family. It is the first time, young adults can choose not to have such a scripted life, although sometimes too much freedom can be daunting.Given the ‘lockdown’ era we are living in and given the fact that many religious young adults live at home during their university years, this could be more of a challenge now. As such, as parents we must encourage these young adults to express their individuality in preparation for leaving the nest, even if they are still living under our roof.
If we do not encourage our children to think for themselves in a safe, nurturing and open environment, there is a serious danger they may fall into the trap of having their life thought out for them. And then before you know it, they are dating and married without having discovered who they are and how to make autonomous decisions.
Conversely, there is the young adult who rejects their parent’s values and messages, choosing to do things drastically differently. It is important to recognize the difference between ‘teenage moments’ and a serious rebellion that grows out of a place of anger and from feeling not seen or misunderstood. Teenage behaviour usually includes some kind of risk taking* and can be a normative way to find one’s unique voice. Sometimes a person may feel the need to experiment with fashion statements, vegetarianism or social justice causes because life has been scripted up until now. Often experimenting will include pushing back against the older generation’s ways of doing things. This may mean leaning to the opposite end of the spectrum in order to eventually swing back to a so-called central position and find equilibrium, however unnerving that may be for parents! These unexpected behaviours are all part and parcel of working out one’s identity, even if they leave parents scratching their heads.
However, an angry or confused teen who feels misunderstood, unseen, unlovable and does not trust their parents, will look for ways to express their pain through extreme risk taking or unsafe actions.
Practically speaking, the more communication and discussion we have with our teens about their choices and actions, the less likely they will feel the need to rebel so extremely and the more likely they will seek out our advice and help. Rigid boundaries can be dangerous. Too much tension in the spring will cause it to break. Does it have to be wound so tightly? As parents we can choose to relax the tension in that spring. We need to be flexible with teens and young adults. In fact, the spring needs constant tweaking every few months or so. Ultimately, we want our children to develop the capacity to take ‘moderate’ risks or have a few ‘teen moments’ as opposed to acting out extreme ‘at risk’ behaviour. Our job is to be there to guide them in how to navigate the stormy waters of this life stage and sometimes that may mean taking a more liberal view of things.
A beautiful example I want to share of broadminded, or should I say ‘broad shouldered’ parenting is the case of someone I know, who decided to accompany his teenage son who was going to get his ear pierced. The teenage boy in question would have made this fashion statement anyway, no doubt or would have done something more extreme (substance abuse, for example) if he had been forbidden from getting the piercing. The message his father gave him was astounding: Even though we do not approve of this way of expressing yourself, we love you and we want a relationship with you. Above all we want you to feel loved, safe, seen and validated. This particular father understood the importance of an unconditionally loving context for this child. He felt the importance of applying flexibility and expanding his normal parameters rather than risk losing the connection he had with his son. Moreover, he was able to show his son that he could see things from a teenage perspective in a non-judgmental way. Often parents forget what it was like to be that age. Were you always straight down the line? Did you ever deviate from the line drawn by your parents and teachers? And how narrow was that line, by the way?
This story may not reflect the right approach for every teen out there, and in each individual case there are nuances, factors to consider; as well as times to be flexible and times to adhere to strict boundaries.
According to Rabbi YY Jacobson, parents must ask themselves if they have an agenda. What is the conflict about? Is it about the ‘holy’ image that the parent wants to project to the outside world? Are we helping the child by gently guiding them on their own path to individuation? Does the child feel their parent’s trust or does he feel angry, judged and misunderstood. Furthermore, if the teen has no clear direction they will be confused and unable to develop their own opinion and voice.
Ultimately, there must be open channels of communication. In order for teens and young adults to move from a place of dependence to independence, there must be tender guidance from parents and a relationship. The goal for the young adult is to arrive at interdependence successfully, which means to be able to separate yet stay connected.
If we prepare our teens whilst they are still at school, help them to discover their unique voice, and a healthy sense of self, within a secure framework we will be able to send them out confidently into the world to attain that degree of individuality.
*On a chemical level it is interesting to pay attention to adolescent brain development which continues into the mid-twenties. During late adolescence there is an increase in the activity of the neural circuits utilizing dopamine, a neurotransmitter. An enhanced dopamine release can cause one to gravitate towards thrilling, exhilarating experiences and take more risks.
Written by Maria Beider