As times remain fragile and full of uncertainty for much of the world, I would like to share with you a wonderful approach to life, which can be invaluable for those in search of peace of mind. A few years ago, I came across a modality of therapy which spoke to my very soul. It was a little like hearing a piece of Torah for the first time and knowing you have just heard pure truth. This therapy is spiritual, deep, kind, compassionate and yet it simultaneously promotes healing and well- being. When I came out of the first level training it felt like I had just done teshuva or cheshbon hanefesh. The journey it takes you on is like a wake-up call that puts you back in touch with your inner self, your core, reaching parts of yourself that you may have forgotten about, been critical or judgmental of, shamed or exiled. It is cleansing and at the same time creates a sense of inner tranquility. Like teshuva it feels like an introspection and a return to a purer more whole self. Similarly to the peeling away process of the outer layers (klipot) that block the true essence (in kabbalistic teachings), this process allows the holy and pure neshama to shine through. This therapy that is taking the world by a storm is called Internal family Systems (IFS).
Whether you are dealing with anxiety, anger, emotional dysregulation, depression or trauma this modality can help you heal yourself. The key to this modality and way of life lies in our ability to access “Self” and get to know our different internal parts.Our minds are complex and made up of many multiple parts which work to protect us and manage our lives for us. Right now, I have a part that wants to take a nap and another part that wants to get this article finished, as well as distracting parts that tell me to stop writing and take care of dinner. Protector parts or managers include anxious, angry, perfectionist, critical, organized, guilty and impatient parts for a start. They are similar to defense mechanisms. Rather than trying to repress or get rid of such parts, IFS attempts to acknowledge, accept and befriend them which is done by the client becoming curious about them, getting to know them and even having a conversation with them.
A lot of the work in IFS is separating a part from the Self and being able to get to know a part, whilst being in Self. What is the Self? Self is the inner spark found within every human, which I call the neshama or soul. Self cannot be damaged. It is holy and knows how to heal. It is part of a bigger cosmic Self which I would call Hashem. Characteristics that are possessed by the Self are known as the eight C’s which include compassion, creativity, curiosity, calm, courage, clarity, confidence and connectedness. When the client is able to access Self it will embody these characteristics. For example, it will be able to feel compassion towards the angry part and curious to understand it better too.When a person experiences trauma or life gets too difficult to manage and they are functioning in survival mode, these parts often take on extreme roles. Extreme protector parts are known as firefighters. They will do whatever it takes to protect us even if they cause damage in the process.
These parts include behaviours such as addiction, self-harm, rage or suicide. Instead of telling the client to stop drinking, in IFS the therapist asks the client to get to know the drinking part and understand what it is trying to achieve. It is usually trying to help the client, in this case by numbing emotional pain, through alcohol consumption. It has the client’s best interests at heart, it just does not realise that there are other ways to be helpful. Once the Self is able to honour the firefighter, express gratitude, build a relationship with this extreme part and offer it some hope, it usually calms down bringing more harmony to the inner system of the client. It often chooses to take on a different role when given a chance.Other parts have been banished because they bring up too many memories or feelings that cause pain. Or they were taught that they were not socially acceptable during one’s earlier years. These are universal feelings which we call exiles and they hold the pain of rejection, abandonment, loneliness, isolation, shame and worthlessness. They have often been locked away by our protectors.
Parts can also be somatic such as an unexplained headache or backache.What is more, with a trauma survivor, when the exiles get triggered their protectors become even more extreme in order to prevent the exiles from escaping. Hence you may see self-harming, anorexic, dissociative or addictive parts within the same individual. Once the client has worked with their protector parts and has permission from them, they can go to the exiled part, which often takes the form of a vulnerable child part. With the therapist’s help, the client can bring his or her Self to do the necessary healing that needs to take place. Often the exile will share a painful story and the client will have the opportunity to witness that story with the therapist, sometimes even going back and changing the scene that caused so much discomfort or anguish or rescuing the child part and bringing her back to the present. It is deeply touching to be a part of this process in which the child part is seen finally after many years and nurtured by the client’s adult Self. Often a reparative attachment takes place in which the adult Self is able to provide love and care for the exile. Sometimes these parts are carrying a big burden upon them and look like parentified children. The therapist must work to help the client unburden them of whatever they are carrying around with them. For example, a child part which has been frozen in time, could be unknowingly shouldering the burden of guilt, self-loathing or self-blame due to their parent’s divorce. Furthermore, children who have been abused often find it easier to cope if they can preserve the image of their parent and it can remain intact and good.
Therefore, they survive by denying or forgetting the abuse and ingesting the bad. As a result, they will need to fragment or exile parts of themselves in order to survive. Once the adult Self can talk to the traumatised child part and is able to relieve them of this difficult burden, they often become happy, carefree child -like parts that just want to play. It is awestriking and very moving to watch this process take place within an individual. Sometimes the client is carrying around a legacy burden, which is a burden they have inherited from their family, culture or education. It may be a belief or value that has been passed down through generations. These burdens are often easy to unload because they do not belong to the client.As is evident, IFS is empowering for any individual who is seeking self-healing. The client is encouraged to self soothe and heal traumatic wounds themself with guidance from the therapist.
There is a deep sensitivity in this way of working with a client. People feel tended to and they get to have all their parts taken care of whilst attaining mastery over their inner world.During a recent training I took, Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS, evoked the powerful image of the abandoned boys in William Golding’s Lord of the Flies. Using this metaphor he explained how our inner world of parts often looks like little children running around, fighting like warriors or vulnerable and lost, resulting in internal anarchy. These parts are generally scared and at times desperately seeking adult leadership. In a moment the platform was full of arguing, gesticulating shadows. To Ralph, seated, this seemed like the breaking-up of sanity. Fear, beasts, no general agreement that the fire was all-important: and when one tried to get the thing straight the argument sheered off, bringing up fresh, unpleasant matter. (p.110)The ultimate goal is to learn how to access the Self and eventually lead from Self both internally and in the external world too.
Once the parts have been seen and liberated from their extreme roles, unburdened of their heavy loads, they can find their place until eventually there is inner harmony within the internal family system. A journey to find the Self As times remain fragile and full of uncertainty for much of the world, I would like to share with you a wonderful approach to life, which can be invaluable for those in search of peace of mind. A few years ago, I came across a modality of therapy which spoke to my very soul. It was a little like hearing a piece of Torah for the first time and knowing you have just heard pure truth. This therapy is spiritual, deep, kind, compassionate and yet it simultaneously promotes healing and well- being. When I came out of the first level training it felt like I had just done teshuva or cheshbon hanefesh.
The journey it takes you on is like a wake-up call that puts you back in touch with your inner self, your core, reaching parts of yourself that you may have forgotten about, been critical or judgmental of, shamed or exiled. It is cleansing and at the same time creates a sense of inner tranquility. Like teshuva it feels like an introspection and a return to a purer more whole self. Similarly to the peeling away process of the outer layers (klipot) that block the true essence (in kabbalistic teachings), this process allows the holy and pure neshama to shine through. This therapy that is taking the world by a storm is called Internal family Systems (IFS).Whether you are dealing with anxiety, anger, emotional dysregulation, depression or trauma this modality can help you heal yourself. The key to this modality and way of life lies in our ability to access “Self” and get to know our different internal parts.Our minds are complex and made up of many multiple parts which work to protect us and manage our lives for us. Right now, I have a part that wants to take a nap and another part that wants to get this article finished, as well as distracting parts that tell me to stop writing and take care of dinner. Protector parts or managers include anxious, angry, perfectionist, critical, organized, guilty and impatient parts for a start. They are similar to defense mechanisms. Rather than trying to repress or get rid of such parts, IFS attempts to acknowledge, accept and befriend them which is done by the client becoming curious about them, getting to know them and even having a conversation with them. A lot of the work in IFS is separating a part from the Self and being able to get to know a part, whilst being in Self. What is the Self? Self is the inner spark found within every human, which I call the neshama or soul. Self cannot be damaged. It is holy and knows how to heal. It is part of a bigger cosmic Self which I would call Hashem.
Characteristics that are possessed by the Self are known as the eight C’s which include compassion, creativity, curiosity, calm, courage, clarity, confidence and connectedness. When the client is able to access Self it will embody these characteristics. For example, it will be able to feel compassion towards the angry part and curious to understand it better too.When a person experiences trauma or life gets too difficult to manage and they are functioning in survival mode, these parts often take on extreme roles. Extreme protector parts are known as firefighters. They will do whatever it takes to protect us even if they cause damage in the process. These parts include behaviours such as addiction, self-harm, rage or suicide. Instead of telling the client to stop drinking, in IFS the therapist asks the client to get to know the drinking part and understand what it is trying to achieve. It is usually trying to help the client, in this case by numbing emotional pain, through alcohol consumption. It has the client’s best interests at heart, it just does not realise that there are other ways to be helpful. Once the Self is able to honour the firefighter, express gratitude, build a relationship with this extreme part and offer it some hope, it usually calms down bringing more harmony to the inner system of the client. It often chooses to take on a different role when given a chance.Other parts have been banished because they bring up too many memories or feelings that cause pain. Or they were taught that they were not socially acceptable during one’s earlier years.
These are universal feelings which we call exiles and they hold the pain of rejection, abandonment, loneliness, isolation, shame and worthlessness. They have often been locked away by our protectors. Parts can also be somatic such as an unexplained headache or backache.What is more, with a trauma survivor, when the exiles get triggered their protectors become even more extreme in order to prevent the exiles from escaping. Hence you may see self-harming, anorexic, dissociative or addictive parts within the same individual. Once the client has worked with their protector parts and has permission from them, they can go to the exiled part, which often takes the form of a vulnerable child part. With the therapist’s help, the client can bring his or her Self to do the necessary healing that needs to take place. Often the exile will share a painful story and the client will have the opportunity to witness that story with the therapist, sometimes even going back and changing the scene that caused so much discomfort or anguish or rescuing the child part and bringing her back to the present. It is deeply touching to be a part of this process in which the child part is seen finally after many years and nurtured by the client’s adult Self. Often a reparative attachment takes place in which the adult Self is able to provide love and care for the exile. Sometimes these parts are carrying a big burden upon them and look like parentified children.
The therapist must work to help the client unburden them of whatever they are carrying around with them. For example, a child part which has been frozen in time, could be unknowingly shouldering the burden of guilt, self-loathing or self-blame due to their parent’s divorce. Furthermore, children who have been abused often find it easier to cope if they can preserve the image of their parent and it can remain intact and good. Therefore, they survive by denying or forgetting the abuse and ingesting the bad. As a result, they will need to fragment or exile parts of themselves in order to survive. Once the adult Self can talk to the traumatised child part and is able to relieve them of this difficult burden, they often become happy, carefree child -like parts that just want to play. It is awestriking and very moving to watch this process take place within an individual. Sometimes the client is carrying around a legacy burden, which is a burden they have inherited from their family, culture or education. It may be a belief or value that has been passed down through generations. These burdens are often easy to unload because they do not belong to the client.As is evident, IFS is empowering for any individual who is seeking self-healing. The client is encouraged to self soothe and heal traumatic wounds themself with guidance from the therapist.
There is a deep sensitivity in this way of working with a client. People feel tended to and they get to have all their parts taken care of whilst attaining mastery over their inner world.During a recent training I took, Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS, evoked the powerful image of the abandoned boys in William Golding’s Lord of the Flies. Using this metaphor he explained how our inner world of parts often looks like little children running around, fighting like warriors or vulnerable and lost, resulting in internal anarchy. These parts are generally scared and at times desperately seeking adult leadership. In a moment the platform was full of arguing, gesticulating shadows. To Ralph, seated, this seemed like the breaking-up of sanity. Fear, beasts, no general agreement that the fire was all-important: and when one tried to get the thing straight the argument sheered off, bringing up fresh, unpleasant matter. (p.110)The ultimate goal is to learn how to access the Self and eventually lead from Self both internally and in the external world too. Once the parts have been seen and liberated from their extreme roles, unburdened of their heavy loads, they can find their place until eventually there is inner harmony within the internal family system.
Written by Maria Beider